take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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