I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize