Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Holy sore nipples Batman
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
