3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
