I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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