normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My life is pants optional.
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