I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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