Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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