I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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