I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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