Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
