so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
