i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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