I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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