nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
only you would photoshop your dick
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
