i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
