So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
