I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
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