My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize