hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
