I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
