Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize