Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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