Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
