wrigley field is MILF paradise
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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