so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
