well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
