How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Randomize
