I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
