there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
