I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
