does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
