I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
