It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
