I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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