my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
