He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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