i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
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