Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
