You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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