my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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