Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
