if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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