she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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