Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize