Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
