Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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