i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize