dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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