How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
