Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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