Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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