I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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