Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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