this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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