I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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