Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
sex in a hospital.. check
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
