her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
